Images in the Sky

Costume Designer for Richard III in the Fall. Adjunct professor in the Fall. Now if I can just get my boss to take me from Customer Service and make me a designer then things will be all lined up nicely.

So the costume designer calls and says, "we've spoken to someone who has done Greater Tuna, so we are going to undertake the dressing track now. Just wanted to let you know before you put a lot of work into it."
First reaction--this is Bullshit. This theatre is BS, this company is BS. Reconsideration of contract.
Second reaction--This is going to make me look bad, like I can't handle the task or something.
Third reaction (about 2 hours later and talking with T and my sis)--fine, someone get's hurt its not my problem. I tried. I'm going to go, grit my teeth, bite my tounge and do just whatever they say (and try very hard not to roll my eyes or show true reaction on my face). And let them fix things to make them work. And if they don't like it, oh well. In the meantime, I'm keeping my eyes open for any design oportunities or any possible networking.

Conclusion: I'm going to do this for fun. If their attitude is hobby not job, then I'm not going to worry about anything and just have fun.

My best friend started working at my company this week. I could tell she was nervous, but once she got through day one found that it was stuff she had done before at her family's factory. It's great having her work there, much better than her being at essense-sucking Stein Mart. She has a tendency of mothering me however, especially when it comes to lunch. It's just something naturally inate in mothers I suppose, I wouldn't know. It was difficult for me to talk my boss into hiring her. She was concerned that customers would not be able to understand her on the phones because of her accent, she is Turkish. I said it was just her bluetooth---I can't understand or really be able to hear her much since she started using it. My boss is now extremely impressed with how hard my friend works. All I can say is "See, I told you so." Now that I've got her in the door, I'm trying to nudge her in the right direction and the right people. There's a great position that opened up last year after the person who held it moved out of the state. And it's perfect for her.
Seems to be a theme with this company--perfect opportunities (opportunities-def. chances).

I've given up on the idea of starting my own dancewear company. There's too much liability to get into...to much instability with fabric coming from another country. I'd rather just design for one already established. So I've began sharing thoughts with other designers. This is what we need, customers are asking for this, we would sell more if we did this... forget this whole bs of being stingy with designs. The only thing that will get me is a cubicle wall full of drawings. I have to show them that I really have something to offer aside from drawings. Substance that will show that hiring me as a designer can be very profitable for them.

It's starting to become routine. Got called up for Adjunct position at a Community College to teach Costume and Makeup (3 credit course; 2 1/2 hr class, 1 hr lab) about 3 days before class started---they called me; I never sent application or anything just met one day at a meeting last year. Originally told 1 hr class; Made up a syllabus in one day for semester including assignments. Found out later it was 2 1/2 hr; revised syllabus to include makeup instruction during second hr. New assisgnments and readings recorded. Went to adjunct meeting, filled out paperwork. Next day told that due to roster numbers class was cancelled (community college does not regard ARTS as high). Knew it was possiblity, but thought would be given one class to get WOM spread. Not a chance. Poor publicity done to promote it from department area (wish I knew that...would have put up better flyers). So, once again having nothing to do with something I DID, another dream job is flaunted in my face. I even wrote up an appeal putting theatre into corporate speak (relating it to business terminology and skills acquired thereof). I was ready to teach damn it! I put it together in 2 days but I was ready...I think I knew all along what I would teach given the chance. I was doing lesson plans in my sleep, literally.

My work was even to willing to work with me (allowing me to come in at 2-5 on Fridays instead of 8:30-5pm) because they can't afford to lose me. I'm glad I didn't quit my job, but I would have given this opportunity. Felt it was a gift--The catch 22 I lack from teaching at Universities. Now I'm not sure what it was. I'm getting sick of these slaps in the faces. We'll just try it again in the Fall to see if we can get the class to stay.

For the record:
Design Department with company: wait and see one more season (Design dept wants me--Customer Service won't let me go--for some reason they have the say)
Adjunct professor: Wait and see one more semester

I'm getting tired of waiting!

By the way, T and I rejoined the cam :)

The spectacle, the drama, the tension in the air. The abnormity that is called Theatre with it's gusto and glam. But in the far corner stands a little wided-eyed girl staring at the dancing illlusions through the security of the glass barrier. Close enough to hear, to see, but not to touch...a limited experience. To stare fixedly as the figures move gracefully across the stage. Not even aware that the little girl is awed by them, wishing that she lived in their world. If only someone handed her a hammer and told her break the glass, then she would be a part of it too. Then again what would the repercusions be?
* * *
She counted the last ring, knowing who was on the other line. A dear friend. So then why let the answering machine get it instead?
The lady stared down at the floor in guilt. "It's for her own good," she reminded herself for the fifth time. She still felt like dirt. "To have a friend, one must be a friend." Where had she heard that? Perhaps she didn't have many friends because she didn't know how to be one. 'Afterall,' she thought, 'look how I'm treating my so-called best friend.'
But a friend doesn't pacify another and that's what she felt like the relationship was becoming. If she visited she had to plan to arrange at least a five hour visit. And even then bear with the look of, "Why are you leaving?" She understood the problems and she wanted to be there, but she feared that her friend was becoming her mother. She took a deep breath and laid on her bed, suddenly exhausted. The noise pierced her ear as she threw her arm over her eyes and counted the rings again.

So Trevor got me a new IPOD for my Birthday and I am having a blast finding new songs to download. $.99 a pop is a bargain but boy, that can add up fast! Now that I can access songs with a touch of the button I am now paying more attention to the Radio for specific names of artists and songs that I like. And low and behold I have found that I love the album, "Korn, MTV Unplugged." Who would have thought. I have discovered a new group tonight called "The Used" and their song "The Bird and the Word" is so cool in it's strange eclectic-ness. . . Definitely a must hear if never heard.

At work we have begun hell season, which was not scheduled to start until at least May. Surprise! I absolutely love my job, but it's that feeling of helplessness that I hate. Being Customer service I can only do so much..once that order leaves my hands and heads from Department to Department I am at the mercy of others that it gets done. And unfortunately, that is not always the case and alas the result is pissed off people...pissed off people that I now have to deal with and who have held me in complete accountability ARGH! They say not to take it personally, but having once been in the showbiz environment myself I know exactly where these people are coming from. And it does make me sick and sad when we miss a deadline. But the saying "you draw more flies with honey" holds true, I will take that extra two steps for someone who is nice and reasonable than someone who just refuses to listen and only demands impossible things. There are some customers who have hounded me so much that their very names send chills through me. But I love my job. And as a costume designer I am able to help scores of studio owners and teachers create a beautiful show. And that makes the sneers and jeers well worth it. It's a place that I never thought to be in. Now that I'm there I feel it's the place that I was intended for. Life is a journey with a designated itinerary.

I am of the generation of Women.
I live my life vicariously through the lives of others.
Fictional characters that are no more real then the pen that write these words.
Yet their words,their very laughter, cuts me to the core.
And my lips are seasoned by the salt of my own tears.

I am of the Generation of W.
The measure of beauty translated through the silent pane of reflection.
Not as a standard of worth and acceptance,
But as a re-emergence of who I am after giving it up for all the wrong reasons,
Or all the right ones.

The phone rings...I do not answer
I know what is on the other line.
Whys, hows, seemingly genuine concern.
I miss yous, Where are yous...
I just stare at the line.
Counting the rings, ticking them off in my head
One by one..until dead.

Silence, I hate silence.
In silence I can hear myself speak.
In silence my eyes have nothing to watch
No digitized image for my one hour amusement.
No laugh track to drown out the proverbial
questions...why, when

Like the ticks of a clock.
I'm am the comatose patient
Staring at a blank ceiling.
It is my Judgment Day says
A screen that plays hows and why nots
over and over. . .again

The images are blurred.
"Why are the images blurred?!"
Of course, now I remember,
I am crying,always crying,
And Growing angrier with each tear.
Big girls don't cry
They just...don't.

So where do the tears go?

Lately I've been thinking alot about little red hen. You know the story:
"Let's make bread!" (That's a great idea...okay)
"Who will help me pick the wheat?" (crickets)
"Who will help me crack the eggs" (crickets--although I don't think their was eggs in the children's story..being chickens and all I think that would be considered cannibalism...umm, I think there's eggs in bread..anyway)
"Who will help me get the water?" (crickets)
"Who will help me knead the dough?" (crickets)
"Who will help me put the bread in the oven?" (Crickets)
(Timer dings--bread is ready)
"Who will help me eat the bread?" (I will! ME! I WILL!)
Planning a reunion is a lot like this. I hear you little red hen!

A lot has happened since I last saw some of you. Here's the run down
1. I have a new job! I'm a customer service rep for a costume/dancewear distributor! It's a step in the right direction. I'm talking about things I have knowledge about and the exposure has made more confident to attempt dancewear for my neice. The first leotard althouth did fit, was just that it fit without any room for growth even 1/32 inch. Have scrapped the pattern and am trying a new company kwik...never heard of them but at least they have elastic in places that there should be elastic so that is a good sign.
2. I am officially free from the hell that is called steinmart! The shakles have been removed and I couldn't be happier!
3. I've joined the church choir. Feels nice to feel like I'm doing something right for a change.
4. I cleaned the house and decorated for christmas without poking or prodding from others.
5. For once I feel at peace about the future and the present. I don't know where the one will lead the other but I am confident that it will be where I will be needed most.

As it's 11pm and past my bed time I will end this. T won't be home for another hour...we usually don't see each other much with our schedule, (one or the other is usually asleep when the other leaves/ arrive) but that gives us more reason to actually schedule real dates :o)

(If I got on-line more often I would have heard this sooner.) Congratulations Drew and Iffer on your sweet baby boy. I can't wait to see pictures of this beautiful baby! Lots of love your way!

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The Maid of Honor Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLMf) Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor. Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you. Your exact opposite: Half-cocked Random Brutal Sex Dreamer We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself. Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them. ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah, The 5-Night Stand, The Vapor Trail, The Bachelor CONSIDER: The Gentleman, someone just like you.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.</td></tr></table>

For once something I planned actually worked!
( Trevor's Birthday Surprise )

It makes me so happy when he is happy. He's so adorable and sexy. I know I'm hopeless.
Married for almost a year (this weekend) and I still feel like the blushing bride. But I am starting to realize what being married really means when it comes to decision making. . .

( You did what?! )
Well that's the update for now. These past few days have been something else, and I sense change is in the air. Good things will happen for me, I just know it.

Here's the deal: 7pm Tuesday Macados in Blacksburg to celebrate Trevor's birthday! All are welcome to attend! Pass it on to anyone else not on my list. See you then if not before! Not much luck of keeping this a surprise unless he doesn't check this place for some reason. If your reading this sweetie, surprise!! And if he doesn't see this and calls y'all and wants to know when is good time to get together tell him "Macados 7pm Tuesday a bunch of us are getting together if you want to join" yea!!

We plan to be in the NRV on Sun. or Mon. until Wed. and then in Cinci from Wed until Sat or Sun. T's B-day is this month and I would like for him to be able to celebrate with friends from both areas. You all name the restauraunt and we'll be there (I know he loves Cladaugh's up in Cinci). Heh heh it's his last year as a twenty-something. We can't wait to see everyone...it has been a long time for some, longer for others. And we can't wait to feel that baby kick and see the proud look on papa's face :) And see the new baby! I hope the weather will be nice and sunny. It would also be nice to arrange some get togethers so everyone can make plans rather than do spur of the moment things. In the NRV we'll be staying at my 'rents house and my sister lives near by so will spend sometime with her and the neices. Otherwise that we'll be free. In cinci we need to visit with Amy and Mike (they were in our wedding) and see their new baby. Also we'll be running up to Columbus so T can see his new nephew...and I want to get another chance to hold the darling. Oh, and then we're going to Octoberfest (any and all are welcome to join us).
Our plans were almost thwarted on going to Cinci (once again) but T got a promotion (yea!!!) and so we are on our way :) Can't wait to see everyone! Love and miss.

Just when I had given up all hope of ever having anything even semi-professional looking for my portfolio...a miracle occurs! I found a hidden file on one of my CD's from a dear friend that has beautiful up-close costume shots of my clown opera "the Good Soldier Schweik." Just when I had accepted the blurred, stupid people's heads in the shots, photos...and the very tiny shots of the actors from the Lighting designer's CD (this same one that had the hiden file I never saw until now)...this beautiful gift is given to me. And I am soooo happy!!! Could it be a reward for finally cleaning out the closet in the office? Or perhaps someone is trying to tell me I'm ready to "Do this thang." I should be in bed right now, it is 2am and I have work early tomorrow. Am I eager about going to work knowing the job that awaits me the frustrations ahead. It doesn't matter. I don't see myself there in the future. I see big plans in the horizon. HUGE!!! It's so nice to be happy again about my costuming/ theatrical work.

I'll be at the NRV tomorrow for a week if anyone wants to do anything let me know. Miss you all.

I took the first small steps to becoming a teacher...I uploaded my info on the job-site for teachers. For those interested in finding teaching positions it's at: www.teachers-teachers.com. And it's free. At this point I wouldn't even mind being a Drama teacher. Anything but the job I'm at now. My manager is soooo stupid, the job is stupid and I get paid squat! Although I now qualify for stock options..oooo. But I have gained a very good friend from it, so good things do come from bad situations. It helps having a girl to chat with, vent with, and hang out with.